I Know I’m in There Somewhere

It is likely that we have all browsed the self-help section of the bookstore at some point in our life. Or gone to a self-improvement workshop. But, how many of us cringe when we hear self-acceptance? No way I could accept myself with this extra weight or extra debt. Maybe when I finish my degree, or get married (or divorced). Maybe when I get that next promotion. 

Sound familiar?

The idea of accepting our self when our circumstances are not exactly how we would like them to be seems ludicrous. Yet, self-acceptance is exactly what each of us needs to move towards those goals. In fact, Brenner describes it as “something you experience when you discover that you can pay attention to your innermost feelings and desire with care and compassion.”

Thinking we are incomplete or ‘less than’ leads to feelings of pain and hold you back from loving yourself through the difficult parts of life’s journey.

Why I loved this book

The way this book is divided made it really helpful as well as practical. Brenner begins by uncovering what our inner voice is and how to distinguish it from outside voices. She clear pathways to aligning with your inner voice and includes exercises (or what she calls “innercises”) to help get in touch with the voice.

The inner voice (or self) is not just what you consciously experience – things you think, remember – it is also what you feel, sense, and want from life. Think: passion or purpose. The challenge is in aligning your inner and outer self – what I would call the soul and the ego – so that you experience a state of harmony.

We often learn to align ourselves with the culture, friends and family to create this harmony. We want to fit in and belong. But think about what we are taught as women? We need to be polite, friendly, attuned to the needs of others, often sacrificing what we need or want. Girls are punished for being smart or outspoken.

We lose our connection to our inner voice, our needs and desires, in favour of making others feel good.

Connecting to our inner voice, our authentic self, is what Oprah calls an ‘ah-ha!’ moment. You may not even be able to explain it. Yet you know it is true for you. It feels really good to be in alignment with yourself in that way. There may even be a feeling of knowing what to do next. Or a feeling that you have remembered something.

Hearing that voice requires acknowledging what you have discovered, being with it, and finding compassion for that part of your story. Brenner calls it the ABC’s. This moves your from being reflexive (responded to the world and circumstances around you) to being reflective (bringing awareness to how you feel and reflecting on it without judgment).

Once aligned, the last part of the book gives guidance on how to continue to stay connected to the inner voice while trying to navigate the world and relationships.

What I learned

This book was my first introduction to the idea of narrative therapy. The fact that we are living our life stories into existence. And, that there were different parts of self that needed to be heard. Almost like characters in our story. 

It was the first time I challenged that maybe the voice in my head was not mine. Maybe it was society’s voice. (Or my mother’s.) Recognizing that allowed me to challenge that voice. I believed the voice when it would tell me - “You will struggle all your life”. Because I had struggled. Did that mean I needed to continue to struggle? And what did “struggle” mean anyway? 

I could redefine that belief for myself. That helped me know myself better. The first step to aligning with my inner voice. It asked me to consider the area of my life I most wanted to grow in. Self-acceptance was about figuring out where I was in that exact moment in time and giving myself the love and encouragement I need to move forward.

Whenever you find yourself saying, “I don’t know what to do” (or talking at yourself, “I should do…”), take a step back. Ask yourself what you do know using the wisdom of your whole body and not just your head. Breathe. Focus. See what comes up.

There is a whole section on how to understand and be with your feelings without letting them hold you hostage by taking over your life.

We need to belong to the outer world. We need to fit into our community and find harmony in our relationships. The way we do that is by connecting to this inner wisdom. This center of our being that has gratitude and love for all of you. All parts of you. 

It is not a place of perfection. It is a place of possibility. The wind beneath your wings.

Favourite Quotes

On suffering and struggle: “When women lose themselves in connection, when they no longer see their selves in the mirror, they begin to reject or ignore who they truly are in favour of who they believe they are supposed to be.”

On the body’s wisdom: “Developing your sense-ability sets in motion a wonderful synergy: The more you trust what your body tells you, the more easily it offers its wisdom to you. The more easily you can hear it, the more its message will seem trustworthy to you.”

On disidentification (or listening to your feelings): “There was now the feeling, and there was her, noticing, observing and describing it. The feeling now had a reality separate from her. It was now a part of her – and “it” – that she could communicate with and care for.”