Regulating from the Inside Out
Do You Remember Learning to Ride a Bike?
I do. One summer, my twin sister and I stayed at a farm in Virginia with our Great Aunt Fran and Uncle Clyde. The farm had a long, dirt driveway leading to a mailbox, and one of us had the daily task of riding out to collect the mail.
My sister got the hang of it immediately. But I spent the entire summer trying to learn until the last couple of weeks when I finally did it. (And my 7-year-old self was absolutely delighted!)
Learning to ride a bike activates parts of your body you might not realize. Your muscles engage, you shift your weight, and eventually, your body knows how to balance. Before you know it, you’re riding.
The Nervous System and Balance
Your nervous system works much the same way. Throughout childhood, we experience various challenges—starting or changing schools, dealing with bullying, facing parental upsets, illness, or separation. During these times, our nervous system works overtime, adapting and responding to keep us stable.
Even if we don’t understand what’s happening inside us, we’re constantly adapting to survive.
Developing Trust
From the moment we're born, our nervous system asks critical questions: Is my environment safe? and Can I trust the people around me?
Erik Erikson’s theory of psychosocial development highlights the importance of this. His first stage focuses on the period from birth to two years old, a time when we adapt based on our surroundings.
During this time, we internalize whether the world (primarily through our caregivers) is trustworthy or not. When our basic needs are met, we feel safe. If they aren’t, we develop a different set of coping mechanisms.
The Trust Hormone
Oxytocin, produced in the hypothalamus, plays a key role in trust and connection. In infancy, the level of care we receive influences how much we trust or use caution in the world around us. Something as simple as parents being advised to let their babies cry themselves to sleep can be the basis of trust issues.
Oxytocin doesn’t just affect our emotional lives; it influences our autonomic nervous system, which controls all of our body’s internal systems, including our fight-or-flight and freeze responses.
However, there’s another response tied to oxytocin—tend and befriend—which helps to strengthen our nervous system.
This response is built around connection. Whether we connect with others or with ourselves in a loving and kind way, nurturing this response during non-stressful times can lead to long-term resilience.
The Myth of Self-Esteem
We often hear about the importance of self-esteem, but the concept stems from a flawed theory that views us as broken or victims of circumstance in need of fixing.
There was even a task force in California that tied many social outcomes to increases in self-esteem. The thinking was that if kids (and then adults) felt good about themselves, they would be more accountable and their behaviour and kinder towards others. They felt bad social outcomes (crime, poverty, violence) were the results of how people felt about themselves. “Feel like a bad person, do bad things.”
It was a bust.
There is literally no evidence that supports the theory the high self-esteem leads to anything. My theory is that seeing yourself as a victim or a person in constant need of improvement doesn’t help our sense of self. Instead, it hurts us. Social media only amplifies these feelings of inadequacy.
The constant drive for self-improvement leaves many of us in a chronic state of stress, often resulting in either a fight-or-flight response.
However, some people have what is known as a tend & befriend response. When we're in stress mode, we either care for others while neglecting ourselves, or seek out support from friends to navigate danger.
Tend & Befriend – A Path Toward Self-Compassion
Instead of forming relationships through stress, what if we could harness this tend and befriend response for self-compassion? Accepting yourself as you are, in the present moment, is a radical idea in today’s world of self-improvement and hustle culture.
Imagine for a moment that you could look at yourself objectively. What has brought you to this point? Would you have empathy for a friend going through similar struggles? If so, why not extend that same understanding to yourself?
Self-compassion involves caring for every part of yourself—physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. When balanced, you can navigate challenges by relying on what you know to be true about yourself and your ability to handle adversity.
How to Cultivate Self-Compassion
Practice Journaling for Self-Awareness
A simple way to nurture self-awareness is through journaling. By putting thoughts to paper, you can sort through challenges, set goals, and track your growth. Over time, you’ll get to know yourself better—what excites you, what scares you, and what you love about life.
Tend to Your Needs Every Day
Self-care, much like caring for someone else, involves daily actions. Consider adding one activity from each of the following areas to your routine: physical (walking), mental (journaling), emotional (time with loved ones), and spiritual (spending time in nature). By doing so, you create a foundation for keeping stress at bay.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for long-term well-being. For example, I create a weekly schedule and stick to it 95% of the time. This structure allows me to maintain balance between my personal and professional life. By saying "no" to urgent requests that aren't aligned with my schedule, I protect my time for self-care. Remember, we often sacrifice important things in favor of the urgent.
Learn Something New
Learning new skills strengthens your nervous system, building resilience. Whether it’s picking up a new hobby, taking a class, or trying a new activity, expanding your skillset boosts your confidence and is a key survival mechanism. Plus, it’s fun!
Techniques to Regulate Your Nervous System
When you feel overwhelmed, there are several quick techniques to bring your nervous system back into balance—deep breathing, humming, gargling, singing, or even taking cold showers. These methods reduce the intensity and duration of stress.
In between moments of overwhelm, building resilience is just as important. Consistently practicing self-care allows your nervous system to remain strong and adaptable. This helps you live a healthy and balanced life, which, after all, is the key to happiness.
Self-compassion is not a destination; it’s a daily practice. By taking small steps to nurture yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, you build resilience and create a balanced life. Remember, self-compassion isn’t about being perfect; it’s about being kind to yourself and accepting where you are.